My New Psychiatrist

I have a new doctor. I went to see him after work on the 2nd of this month. He seems very stodgy and uptight - almost defensive. He looks very cliche, with white hair, short beard and wire rimmed glasses. After entering the office we sat down (Joe was SUPPOSED to be with me for support) he asked me "so what are you here for?" Which I thought was kind of strange because it's a required initial visit when getting a new doctor. But, I answered anyway - "I'm here for the initial visit since you are my new doctor." He continued to ask vague questions and I finally asked would you like to know my history? He said he would and I apologized stating I figured he read all that in my file - he retorted I am "not my file." Which I am not. I wanted to talk about "Abilify" because I heard from television ads that it can help your existing depression medication work better. I had questions, he didn't feel like talking about Abilify. He said he would rather talk about why I was here (in his office - which I thought we established) rather than "pounding nails." I asked him what that meant, he said it meant the problem solving over the problem. He also used a term called "white knuckling" it which I never fully understood.

So it was a long hour, maybe longer. He decided in one visit I was not bi-polar (which all other doctors felt they needed to see me over a longer course of time before deciding) and it was possible I have panic disorder. No surprise, I have been diagnosed with it and I take anxiety medication. I got a new prescription for all the same meds and an appt. for next month. I wish I would have been given a female doctor like I originally asked for.

Oh, Joe didn't make it to the appt. because there was some confusion on where we were meeting but it really pissed me off. Initial visits with doctors can be emotional. The meeting wasn't emotional so he was lucky! He made it up to me with tons of special attention :)

I f*cked Up My Blog Again

In an effort to streamline my little diary here, I lost all of my info. and I find my self searching the web to recover each little bit. Hopefully, I will be done tonight but I am not sure. I have been feeling kind of depressed today, kind of lethargic. I even went to bed after coming back from the hospital today for my blood test. Oh, I found out I am also being considered for Bi-Polar as my doctor isn't sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder instead of Bi-Polar, so we shall see. I am still waiting on my iron pills so maybe that's why I am so lethargic, or maybe it's just winter or the weather (snowy.) Even after going back to bed and getting up with Joe before he went to work, I felt the need to take a nap and slept until he was due back for supper. I hope this resolves itself quickly, I have things to do.

I'm a Flake

I didn't go to my lab appt. this morning. I was supposed to fast including medication and go in with Joe (my sister was going to drop us off) and have more blood drawn. This time not for iron (which the pills for that never arrived in the mail) but to check the levels of the mood stabilizer I take. The psyche doctor just increased it and removed one of my medications completely per my request and her agreeing. Anyway, I am going in tomorrow for sure, same plan.

Today, was just busy with housework, phone calls, job hunting and apartment hunting as well. I like to keep my Aunt's the way she would, it's the only polite thing to do. In respect of that, I did our laundry (not out of respect for my Aunt) and the house laundry like towels/place mats and such. I also did the dishes as everyday and polished all of the tables in her house careful not to leave any smudges. Joe vacuumed and took out the trash, just like he does everyday. It's been nice to have this place all to ourselves, I can't believe how fast 17 days is flying by! Then there were follow up phone calls for an interview at Old Navy and the medical centers for my iron pills and for physical therapy and water therapy. I am still waiting on a referral for complimentary medicine (acupuncture, massage, chiropractor) to be approved.

Then it was time to fold the laundry and make supper for Joe's break. I made my "Suddenly Tuna Salad" as I like to call it and then it was time to say goodbye, only a few minutes for a quick cuddle - boo. Lucky us, his schedule changed and we will be seeing each other tonight at nine instead of ten thirty!

Today is The Day

Yes, today is the day that I start work. It's not much, but I think it's all I need to for now to start back into a possible full time job. For now, I am going to take it nice and easy. Slow and steady blah blah you know. My Dr. doesn't think I should be working that much so I won't. He's not my doctor anymore though, I am waiting to meet my new doctor in November. November 3rd actually and I am out of one of my prescriptions. It's just my anxiety medication nothing serious (Ha! It's one of the most important LOL) but I digress.

My sister took Joe and I out to Fred Meyer's last night, which is kind of like a super Walmart with it's groceries and clothing, sporting goods and toys. We picked up Joe Stephen King's Dark tower (yay!) and a white polo and a pair of Carhartt khaki jeans for me. God, I hate the color of khaki and I was trying to get out of buying a pair by complaining that khaki's made me look to "nude" or that the pants weren't "structured" enough - all true but then she found the Carhartt's, which weren't nude or unstructured. In fact, they are probably the poster pants for being structured and etc.. At least, I am prepared. Boo.

I have to get ready now, I start work in an hour. Peace.

You Moved My Dish, You Son of a Bish*

J is preparing to help finish painting my sisters wall. It's a warm shade of red and in that preparation he moved the dogs' food and water dish. Shadow (a tiny tiny poodle & shitzu*) came out and noticed right away that he had moved his dish, he sat there for a little while just sniffing and staring at his dish like they were brand new dishes. I guess that's how J and I feel a little about moving all the way from California and Alaska. Someone REALLY moved our dish.

I have more labs it seems required because every test (and they ran all of them or so I thought) came up great except for my iron. Originally, I was to be mailed iron and poop pills to the house now I need to go in on Friday for more non-fasting labs. I hope it's OK. Tomorrow, I have a behavioral medicine orientation and hopefully another mental eval. I want to come off some of my meds but of course that will also be decided by my doctor. It's just that some of my pills make me gain weight by changing my metabolism. My sister thought she noticed I lost weight already, must be my body's heater kicking in.

Everything else is good, some things were ironed out and I took a chill pill (literally LOL.) Sharon bought us jackets yesterday. She's very practical unlike myself. She was thinking warm and we were thinking "how does it look." When the real winter comes and we are waiting for the bus I am sure we will be thinking "is my ass frozen?"

Another Dr. Visit

My sister took me and my fiance to the native primary care center's emergency room because my back pain had gotten so great that I was feeling that numbness down my legs again. The pain sometimes is immeasurable. I had some x-rays taken and it seems I still have some cushion in the disc above my sacrum however, I have some bulging as well. I had to get a shot in the arse, some anti-inflammatory and pain meds (non narcotic.) We didn't get home till late.
Today I requested a regular doctor as well as a psyche doctor which I will be doing a med evaluation with and hopefully thereafter, meds and individual therapy.

My daughter and I have been talking quite a bit over Myspace which is really cool. I also had a job interview (as well as J) and we will be hearing about that on Thursday. We need at least part time jobs to qualify for the Cook Inlet Housing Authority program which we really want to be a part of. So wish us luck!

Visiting the Doctor

Just got back from my first visit at the Primary Care for Native Americans Center after meeting with a doctor and having blood drawn and prescrips refilled. I am not pregnant but I didn't have any reason to think I was either. It's a nice hospital. I will be getting a regular psych doctor and family doctor with a week or so, which is really cool since it's been ages literally since I was seen by a doctor regularly.

On the health note, I am cutting out all breads and chips out of my diet my BMI is crazy. I am scared to see what my labs will say. Yowzer.

Tomorrow, I will walk to the Movie Gallery, yes that's what it's called here to pick up a job application. I hope I have better luck here than I did in California. My daughter called me today, what a blessing! If I talk to much about it I will cry all over the keyboard and the keyboard ain't mine. So I won't. I will just keep it special for myself.

We have landed in Anchorage, Alaska

As of last night my fiance and I landed in Anchorage via a flight from Seattle and originally Sacramento. It's been a long crazy couple of months of trying and eventually moving our entire (well mostly) lives into two "carry ons" and two checked bags. Mine weighed in over and we had to pay $50.00 after leaving our favorite comic book collection behind. We were both exhausted and forgot about the slight time change (one hour earlier) and didn't really sleep last night either. It's always weird sleeping in a strange bed. On the flight from Seattle to Sacramento, a really nice older woman sitting on my left and J on my right insisted on buying us both Angus beef burgers which came with Maui chips... the kindness of strangers always surprises me.

Speaking of kindness, my sister has taken us in temporarily until we well find a place or bounce somewhere else. Her family is kind and inflated a bed for our use and we have a few computers with Internet access so I can have access to resources and also to blog as you can read. We have already opened a banking account and re-opened my medical files at the Native American hospital and should have an appointment today for a checkup and mental care referral. I should be working on getting my life together right now since my sister is being so kind and all. Catch up with you again soon.

Oh and I am not skitso J calls me Eddie so it's on my name tag from now on.

Photo Updates

Me, Pam and Jax - December 2007

December 3 - Getting Squished!

I am still a creepy girl *G*

I went to the treatment center for 27 days for a touch up, I am also being treated for bi-polar disorder along with my other conditions. I am sorry if I have made anyone worry! I am in a new apt today and have a new cell number.

The Diagnosis

I figured today I would write about my diagnosis. During my time at the "house" I come to recognize that there is a lot of stigma attached to mental illness or even mental health issues, so I thought I would share my personal experiences. Initially, when I was seen by a psychiatrist the first time he felt I had no real issue, that I was not ill in anyway except that perhaps I needed therapy. The second time, he agreed that my mental and emotional state required further assistance and medication so he referred me to the house I received treatment at. Now, this psychiatrist was at a county clinic over run with patients and often led the conversation. I didn't care for him honestly. Since seeing this Dr. I have seen two others and have been given the same diagnosis that he gave me.

Everything was voluntary, even the houses participation. I was interviewed before accepted. So before getting off track of my original topic let me say this.. My name is Linda and I have been diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder" and "adjustment disorder" and I am being treated for depression. I am now on medication and doing much better however, it's not all about pills. In fact, it's involved learning coping skills, peer support, counseling and much more all of which I am thankful for. That's it for now, I have MUCH moving stuff to take care of!

I am Home once again.

Hi everyone! Thank you for all the wonderfully sweet messages, good thoughts and prayers. I have been home since the 15th although it has not been all rest. Once I returned I decided it was finally time to let go of my apartment. I have long debated "sloughing off the old" and making room for the new, always too afraid to take the plunge but I have since set the wheels in motion. Notice has been given, yard sales have been had (my first EVER!) and furniture/stuff is either being given away or chucked. Don't worry, I haven't completely lost it *hehe* In fact, I have a plan and my counselor found it to be solid and positive. Mostly, it consists of starting over, fresh and the way I always wanted too. I am not leaving the state or even the city just this apartment.

Much work has taken place in the bathroom, including the death of major mold, the shower surround being ripped out and replaced along with the valve and shower head. The bathroom is much needed cleaning after two days of repairman using saws, glue and creating dust. There is much more to say but not now, I am still working on stuff today and time is a wasting!

Hello You

I just wanted to say a quick hello! I am sure you are all wondering where I am. I am in receiving mental treatment at a really great place for some personality disorders and depression. I am on medication and doing a TON better mentally and emotionally, the rest is the same. Gotta run, see you soon! Love, Linda

Back to It

The "it" being finding a job ~ wish me luck! I did recently talk to a couple of counselors regarding my stress and past/current situations which cause anxiety. The psychiatrist didn't think I need any medication at all, only perhaps some emotional counseling which I am to seek on my own. I WILL be seeking this support. Life is just too crazy sometimes to feel like you're going it all alone.