My Job

I thought this would be a good time to update you on my new job. Well, it's not really my "new" job since I have been working for this particular company since December of 2008. Wow! I actually have a great job and the company I work for thinks I am great too! What makes me think that? I got a $1.00 an hour pay raise and I have been asked to consider management. Am I ready for management? Perhaps, technically but emotionally and mentally not quite yet but trust me I am getting there!

I am not going to mention the name of the company I work for because I need a little separation between my work life and personal life (especially in the diary section.) However, I will tell you the basics. I of course, still work in retail - I have most of my life. It is a brand name company who's specialty is bras, undies and other clothing. My schedule has been given perhaps special!* to me graciously after busting my butt for a few months. For the past few weeks I have been working Monday through Friday between 8:30-1:30 or up until 5pm depending on the day with weekends off (this weekend I have three days off!)

All employees, get free gifts (as well as customers) every month! Employees also receive a generous 40 % discount of sale and regular merchandise and 25% off of clearance merchandise. We also get to buy new outfits being promoted at a fraction of the price - usually the cost of one piece and sometimes less :) Honestly, I could go on and on about the wonderful attributes of this company but I got say that some of the best benefits I have received are a happy/friendly work place and a true vote of confidence! Go me! Work rocks! - Hope it does for you too!

I Had a Freaky Friday

Friday, was a totally crappy day. I received word from my sister who has been kind enough to give me a ride to work every morning, that I would most likely be late for work. I would have taken the bus however, it had just departed ten minutes prior and would not depart for another hour and it averages a forty-five minute ride so instead I waited - besides it was the first rainy day we have had in awhile. Quite depressing after a couple of weeks of pure sunshine from approximately 5am until 11pm every night.

Fortunately, I was not late so I am assuming neither my sister. However, the manager I had alerted that I might be late was about 15 minutes. Between the rain and having only four hours sleep the night before I felt like total crap. So I bought a grey t-shirt from my work (a wonderful company) and felt unhappy in my grey shirt and frizzled ponytail. I'm fat I thought, Oh well.. I am to lazy to do anything about it. So instead of crying, I worked. One of the highlights of my day, thank God I love my job and I guess I love my job is because my customers and employer loves me. It's a win win situation, however I am getting off topic - I am trying to sound irritated or grouchy not upbeat and happy. *Note - My mood is mostly happy these days.

Anyway, I was sweating and I wasn't hot. My nose was running and all of my make up was coming off. I had a long day considering most of it was spent with one customer. A really friendly customer which I probably shouldn't complain about had two kids with her which she couldn't contain. Normally, that's no problem but one child kept running in and out and so did she. So I was bouncing around trying to help other customers that walked in and greeting new ones within ten seconds, trying to entertain the children and helping her. It was a dedicated effort. All I could say after finally being done was "two hours." Now, I must state I have been out of my anxiety medication and the children had been trying. Previously cute had turned into sliding on the ground like a "snake" trying to grab my leg and screaming. I started having a panic attack with the question whether I could ever be a mother again pounding in my head. Two hours.

Finally, shaking, sweating, nose running I was off work and on my way to having the weekend off a wonderful perk I receive for being the #1 customer service associate and walk to the bus station. Once there, I see that I need change and with the other eye I see the bus is parked at it's stop and then.. I see it leaving two minutes early. Two minutes. Early. Fudge it! I think and decide to buy a hot dog. The conveinent store inside the station is full and I manuever my way around to the hot dogs and find no plates or buns. So I ask the old man who could possibly be homeless or just really dirty where he got his plate. It had ketchup on it so I assumed it was the plate that the tongs set on. I stood there and notioned to the woman who owns the shop that I want a plate and buns. She delivers and as I start to make my hot dog, a lady walks up with a service dog who is not on a leash and he sticks his face far to close to food area for me. She decides to buy the dog a hot dog - how wrong. Anyway, as I move towards the cash register she is in front of me and takes up the whole counter area with her dog and her spiral binder as she wants a reciept and the owner is calling for me to pay her for the hot dog and postcards. Hands full and with no counter space this is hard to comply with. It is severly pissing me off that she is doing paperwork with her dog in an area the size of a ladies restroom. The hot dog stress is nearly over when I walk to a bench where one seat is open and then someone steps in front of me sits in it. So, I walk to the next and the same happens. Finally a seat opens and I sit next to a large older man and begin to eat my hot dog, when he starts to watch very carefully. How gross. Then another old man moves to the bench and I scoot over. Which was a true mistake. He leans in about in inch away from me and attempts to look down my round neck grey t-shirt (yes this is all in the same day) at which point I say "You better f*ckin watch yourself." He tries it again and I am ready smack him with my paper plate and evidently I was scooting to much into the hot dog eating voyeurist so he gets up and leaves. Thank goodness, I get some space and as I scoot over the other 6'2 perv gets up to leave since he can't try to grab my leg anymore or look down my top. I glance over to scoff and express my relief of his departure and that's when I see it! HIS ASS! His ENTIRE ASS! How disgusting, by now I feel completely molested by the days events. And then, my bus arrives.

The bus ride is quick and my new yoga pants have dried. Oh, I forgot to mention that I had bought new yoga pants as well and that they run long. So, it's a rainy day and I am wearing long yoga pants and flip flops through the wet and muddy streets of Anchorage from the mall to the bus station and from my stop to home, through huge lakes in parking lots with the pants flipping in and out of my flip flops with wet dirt flapping on my feet and legs all the way home. Tired and wet I stop into Joe's work to pick up our apartment key and to complain about how horrible my day was. I sit on a sofa for sale for awhile in wait to see him and after awhile decide to walk around, so I stand up and place my bag with my old clothes in it on a counter. I adjust my jacket and look back where I see a customer take his fingers and pull open my bag as he peeks in. I snatch the bag from him so abrupltly I am surprised I didn't snatch his bag from him too. He apologizes but this doesn't alieve my anger. Finally, I see my hubby and find out he is in the middle of a horrible day so I am stuck unable to complain about my horrible day in fear of making his horrible day even more horrible. Now, I am sure no one has read this far so I am just going to have to get over it ;o)

Sleeping Beauty

I am not quite sure if it's the up in my medication (which may cause sleepiness) or the feelings of overwhelm making me tired, but I went back to bed after Joe went to work and didn't wake until he arrived for supper. I can't keep doing this everyday, if it is the meds I hope it wears off in a few days after my body adjusts to the new amount and if it's the stress well then my goose is cooked because I have always had problems with stress. Anxiety Management is going to be one of the topics/goals of my therapy sessions. Speaking of therapy, my PDA phone every so nicely reminded me fifteen minutes prior to my appointment that I was going to miss my session! My first session! I had to call and reschedule, honestly I thought it was next week - I have had so many appointments to keep up with. I also have an appt. with a Dr. at the Wellness Center to be ok'd for water therapy (usually for people with arthritis, my cousin had arthritis at an early age, do I?) on Monday.

The usual money problems persist and I am thankful for Joe's full time job, I just wish I still had mine or a different one so that I too could assist in the savings for our own place. I just feel like the clock is ticking and everything is the same - day in day out. I think I should just walk around asking people "I am sorry how much do I owe YOU?" No wonder I sleep.

Relief!

I was fired from my job the porn shop that disguises itself as a regular video store by the manager who just came back for "refusing" to go into the "adult" room even though I never refused. I sighed a great sigh and blurted "OH THANK GOD!" Now, I can look even harder into finding a real job.

Cranky

It's Joe's birthday today and I feel like a shit head. My body is aching so bad, I see a doctor about it tomorrow and a chiropractor soon but that doesn't help me now and neither is the Ibuprofen 800's. We had a great day yesterday, which is the day we actually celebrated his birthday. We went out after sleeping in, went to the mall and another store where I got his gifts. Mostly, the gifts were useful only one was trivial and fun. We shared Corned Dog On a Stick kid's meals and put on our temporary tattoos, it was just silly fun. Then we went back to the house for a dinner of baked chicken, herb mashed potatoes and salad - yum! The cake and ice cream were today and I have to tell you it came out horribly ugly but good. I haven't baked a cake in awhile. I almost cried, it's my time of the month too so it's pretty sucky. Oh, Joe and I both have to work today - double sucky.

Last Night

Last night we slept so good. My Aunt set up the bed with probably the softest sheets and blankets ever. We did hear a really loud thump almost a punch on the wall which is behind the bed. Joe ran outside looking for someone or someones, we are so used to being around the homeless, criminals or crackheads it was an automatic response. Later, we thought maybe that wasn't such a good idea since we are around moose and Mom was just talking about bears coming into Anchorage and attacking people. So the next thump we hear, a little more precaution will take place.

It sure has been nice for Joe and I to have some alone time together in my Aunt's nice home, it reminds me of our desire to have our own place. Speaking of my Aunt she just called and said she was bringing a flat screen television with a stand and DVD player - BOOYAH! She must have read our minds. We brought DVD's but had nothing to play them on - boo but the problem is solved.

Joe also got a call for a job interview and we are pretty excited about that! His interview is on Monday so wish us luck!

Okay, I am at my Mom's

What a trip! huh? After God knows how many years, never thought I would see myself here. It's a nice place too, spacious and clean - surprising I suppose. I really had know idea what to expect though. Joe and I have our own room here. We are contemplating moving in with my mother, she also offered to get me & Joe cellphones on her plan so that was nice. I think we will just take it slow. Tomorrow I have a job interview with Once Upon a Blue Moose which is a gift shop in the mall, I am really hoping that goes well and that the boss won't mind my piercings. If she does I can always get spacers which are clear to use on work days. Meeting my mom, after getting pissed at my sister, new job interview in the morning and work later till ten is a lot to happen in twenty four hours.

TGIF!

I already hate my job. Boy, I seem to be honing my job hating skills ever more rapidly. I don't want to bitch but that's what I do, it's in my nature. However, I think it's slightly justified - I am sure you wouldn't want to work in a movie shop that rented PORN. Yes, PORN! Uuck! oOOh! Gross - PORN! Not to mention everyone is younger than me and that's not usually a problem but being treated like a dumb ass jerk by someone ten years younger plus than you can do that. I am applying for a new job on my two days off.

In other things, that's pretty much it.

Today is The Day

Yes, today is the day that I start work. It's not much, but I think it's all I need to for now to start back into a possible full time job. For now, I am going to take it nice and easy. Slow and steady blah blah you know. My Dr. doesn't think I should be working that much so I won't. He's not my doctor anymore though, I am waiting to meet my new doctor in November. November 3rd actually and I am out of one of my prescriptions. It's just my anxiety medication nothing serious (Ha! It's one of the most important LOL) but I digress.

My sister took Joe and I out to Fred Meyer's last night, which is kind of like a super Walmart with it's groceries and clothing, sporting goods and toys. We picked up Joe Stephen King's Dark tower (yay!) and a white polo and a pair of Carhartt khaki jeans for me. God, I hate the color of khaki and I was trying to get out of buying a pair by complaining that khaki's made me look to "nude" or that the pants weren't "structured" enough - all true but then she found the Carhartt's, which weren't nude or unstructured. In fact, they are probably the poster pants for being structured and etc.. At least, I am prepared. Boo.

I have to get ready now, I start work in an hour. Peace.

Urgh* Mondays

I waited all weekend and then some for Monday so that I could schedule some appointments, follow up care etc with my Doctor's case manager and come to find out the center is closed for it's own special day. Boo. That's OK, I guess I can wait for tomorrow do that stuff. Joe and I have been doing other stuff today besides. I also went into to do my hiring papers and set up my time clock log in and password, real exciting stuff. I was thinking about it and I think my wages are going to be garnished for owing Sacramento county some money. Double boo. At least I can wear my jeans until my first paycheck and then I have to wear khakis! I hate khakis! They make my ass look big and naked. Which is ok when I am with my man but I don't really like feeling like that in public. They also use a type of atm card for paychecks instead of paper checks however, we can use direct deposit as the card charges a fee for pretty much every transaction that is made. Triple boo. Joe and I will just have to set me up on the bank account, no big deal. I suppose I sound like I am bitching, I'm really not I just pretend to bitch on the internet.

Another Dr. Visit

My sister took me and my fiance to the native primary care center's emergency room because my back pain had gotten so great that I was feeling that numbness down my legs again. The pain sometimes is immeasurable. I had some x-rays taken and it seems I still have some cushion in the disc above my sacrum however, I have some bulging as well. I had to get a shot in the arse, some anti-inflammatory and pain meds (non narcotic.) We didn't get home till late.
Today I requested a regular doctor as well as a psyche doctor which I will be doing a med evaluation with and hopefully thereafter, meds and individual therapy.

My daughter and I have been talking quite a bit over Myspace which is really cool. I also had a job interview (as well as J) and we will be hearing about that on Thursday. We need at least part time jobs to qualify for the Cook Inlet Housing Authority program which we really want to be a part of. So wish us luck!

Visiting the Doctor

Just got back from my first visit at the Primary Care for Native Americans Center after meeting with a doctor and having blood drawn and prescrips refilled. I am not pregnant but I didn't have any reason to think I was either. It's a nice hospital. I will be getting a regular psych doctor and family doctor with a week or so, which is really cool since it's been ages literally since I was seen by a doctor regularly.

On the health note, I am cutting out all breads and chips out of my diet my BMI is crazy. I am scared to see what my labs will say. Yowzer.

Tomorrow, I will walk to the Movie Gallery, yes that's what it's called here to pick up a job application. I hope I have better luck here than I did in California. My daughter called me today, what a blessing! If I talk to much about it I will cry all over the keyboard and the keyboard ain't mine. So I won't. I will just keep it special for myself.

Back to It

The "it" being finding a job ~ wish me luck! I did recently talk to a couple of counselors regarding my stress and past/current situations which cause anxiety. The psychiatrist didn't think I need any medication at all, only perhaps some emotional counseling which I am to seek on my own. I WILL be seeking this support. Life is just too crazy sometimes to feel like you're going it all alone.

Day Four

It's day four, that my daughter is "missing." I use this terminology because it's not the first time it's happened. My daughter has been wanting to emancipate herself for some time now, I am more than willing to sign the papers. I have no more. I am tapped. No mother wants this but at the same time I have nothing more to give for the current situation. Everyone I know takes from me, no one is happy with what they get but yet they take, take, take and take. I am done. Everything is changing. I might even move out of my apartment after selling everything. I am not sure where I am going from here. I have no one but myself. It's a long story that I won't tell here but people, especially men can't be trusted. You could have told me that, I am sure. I knew it but still. Plus, I was let go from my job because I couldn't set "enough" appointments. I updated more records and had a ton of call backs and future appointments but I was told I wouldn't be needed until two weeks from yesterday.

Now It's Time To Buckle Down

Poo! But it's true, it's now time to buckle down and work on getting some of my past due bills and debt paid down. I haven't even received my first check and I know where it's going! The time has come for me to work on growing up and getting ahead financially instead of always floating check to check. It's going to get easier everyday now but it's still a long bumpy road!

In other things, my daughter has been refusing to go to school for some time now. She's done everything including pretend to go to out right taking off or locking herself in her room. I've talked to her school several times about this and what it comes down to is no truant officer. I am going to have to call the police myself to make her go to school.. I am not sure how this is all going to work out but we are also trying to get her re-accepted into home school but honestly, I don't really think that's the answer. My daughter is an ass. She only thinks of herself and what she wants and for a long time now nothing I provide is good enough and she is going to do what she's going to do. So from now on, it's going to be a fight head to head. I am done with all this mess she puts me through. Poop on teenagers!

Hells-To-The-Effing-YES!!

Wow! I am so freakingfantasticeffing happy! What is probably one of the only things in this world that could make me this happy!? I got my Independence back, yes, Virgina it is true - Linda CAN get a job! It must have been every one's good thoughts and vibes be sent my way, OR it was the terrible amount of lameness that I felt not having one. *Whew* Even though, I had been offered a job already I knew it wasn't really an option so I did not feel the same kind of relief that I feel now. I am going to be working in an office for Stain Master. The job starts off Monday through Friday with 20 hours a week total but after two weeks I will get a pay evaluation and be allowed to work full time if I so choose. I may choose not or I may choose to do so. One of my big goals is a car. Not just some beater either. I want a vehicle I can be half proud to own at least. I have goals again. GOALS! If I was a Mexican soccer sportscaster I would be screaming GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAALLLL! right now! I really really really would.

To sum all of that up, I'm happy. I am me again. Finally.

Currently..

Well, I didn't take the job I was offered. It's really too bad. The job was exactly what I was looking for and it was offered to me on the spot after my interview. Unfortunately, the work hours weren't compatible with the bus schedule en route to home. It would have been two buses and a light rail ride not to mention walking a couple of blocks. I wouldn't have had a hard time getting to work but it's very likely I would miss the last bus to my neighborhood leaving me stranded after an hour of commuting. It's time for me to get a car. If I had a car everything would be fine and finding/accepting work would be a breeze. This really is the longest I have ever been without a job in my life. Sure, I didn't start looking until towards the end of July but still. Weeks are flying by and although I have had interviews (I have one today - wish me luck!) it feels like I may never get a job. Not working was a nice break in the beginning but now I just have a ton of extra energy and I feel restless.

I have felt a lot of stress, anxiety, panic and remorse regarding my personal decisions. However, I remain positive that everything WILL be okay. I did what I had to do and can only push forward. There has been an interesting, unique but wonderful distraction in my life the past couple of weeks. My new friendship with D has been trying & unusual but very rewarding none the less. He has restored many pieces of myself that I never thought I would have again. That probably didn't make much sense to you.

Sunday, I was treated to a very relaxing evening filled with hypnotically calming music, candles, an extensive massage (which was badly needed) and red wine. I have never enjoyed wine before and I was surprised to find out how much I liked it, it must have been the enviroment. It's been awhile since I felt spoiled, it was a good thing.

Do You Ever Feel Like..?

Do you ever feel like everything is falling apart? Like at any moment the sky is going to rip open and rain fire on your straw hut of a home? Like you were born a day late and a leg short? Okay, maybe that's NOT how the saying goes but it fits better. I suppose it's really not that bad and that everything IS going to be okay just like it always is but there is something about the waiting for it to happen. It's that time when you are so close to achieving what you want and it's just out of reach and all you can do is sit on your hands and wait. Let me say this...

I HATE WAITING!

You are probably wondering what the h-e-double hockey sticks I am talking about. I am not even sure what I am talking about today so let me just list out some current things in my life.

1. I got a job! YAY! I know I should be falling down happy but it's downtown, which means a bus and a light rail ride to get to work and then home again. I start training tomorrow on Sunday, lucky for me D is giving me a ride.
2. To start said training for afore mentioned job I must have a valid ID and social security card or birth certificate. Well, my purse was stolen and I don't have the $22.00 for a new copy of my ID since I don't have a job and my social security card was also in the stolen purse. Trust me I am aware you should never keep your social security card in your wallet, or your child's as in my stupid case. SO, I must begin crucial hunt for birth certificate which I know is SOMEwhere around here.
3. The pantry is slim pickings because I missed out on a grocery trip on Thursday. Can't go back until Tuesday. I don't need a lot but there is nothing worse than a teenager who can't find anything to eat and is in the same pantry every fifteen minutes out of boredom yelling about not being able to find anything to eat.
4. It is on my list to apply for food stamps, normally we don't need them however it's been two months of money straight to bills. We are really drawing on reserves so I must apply for the help whether I like to or not. The problem with this also relates to problem number two, valid ID and social security. I would get the help I need if I had the cards, I would have the cards if I had the money for the cards, I would have the money if I had a job!!
5. Over the past five years or more of living in my apartment the landlord has been called about the running tub faucet. The hot water knob constantly breaks as the drip gets continually worsens and we try to tighten it as much as possible. For you see, the hot water causes humidity in the bathroom which has caused mold. I could leave the bathroom door open but the sound of the running faucet causes gigantic painful spasms in my brain to occur. So, I shut the door and open the little window and then someone else in this apartment *not mentioning who* shuts the window. Hot water, hot bathroom, hot stinky mold. Why doesn't the landlord fix it? He has sent repairmen *I use the term loosely* in the past, they replace the knob and always insist they can't find a rubber ring for replacement. Which means, the drip will be lessened and will eventually run like the Everglades which I would like to jump off of once this occurs.
6. I finally received my paperwork for unemployment. Thank God.
7. Oliver the cat is driving me batty. His need for constant attention and supervision has reached paramount. Plus, there is a certain someone who when he visits babies him and only encourages Olivers kitten-like behavior. At four months old, I am trying to teach Oliver to play on his own and to NOT cry when I insist on using the bathroom withOUT him. His obsession for knocking over my water glass is salt in the wound.
8. I have been on a sincere effort to lose weight and have just a couple of pounds but still noticeable. I have such a looooong way to go. I am size 11 (juniors) and I am keeping my size 5 (juniors) out for inspiration.

Everything is SO close to going back to normal which I desperately need and yet it seems so far away and impossible to make happen. I feel like I am constantly trying to shove square pegs in round holes. It's as if nothing is right and everything is wrong. I know it's not, I don't mean to be so negative. I just hope that at some point today I don't turn into a crazed cat killing mad woman marching down the street with tissue boxes on my feet as shoes. *Sigh*

Still Looking

I am still looking for a job. Grr. I've had interviews just no luck, I've sent out a ton of emails/resumes & filled out apps. I am going to try some temp agencies. I was majorly stressed out and started to get sick. I started having pain and developed a panic attack from how sick I was feeling over a course of a couple of days. With a fever, chills, pain, vomiting and the runs I was finally convinced to get to a hospital but had no ride and had to go via ambulance. Turns out, I had a kidney urinary tract infection and was severely dehydrated. After a lot of saline, nausea meds, tests of all kinds, bags of antibiotic I was put on pill antibiotics and bed rest. I have a follow up visit next week as well. No worries though, it's all good. A new friend D has been helping me out, lots of fluids and hugs :)

Exhausted - Ha!

I am tired, I have been working since the 17th almost every day. The first three days I worked 11 hour days - 33hrs. Day four, I had a total of 40 hours... I am off this Sunday however! Today I will be working a late shift for about 5 hours, the last two hours I will be training a new girl. It's a good thing I love my job :)

PS. I bleached the black out of my hair, it's a reddish brown which turns deep dark brown underneath. I also bought a green dress. I don't remember the last time I wore a dress - was I two?